No Sleep

Julian was up for most of the night last night.  I finally turned in at 11:30, only to hear him screaming at his bedroom door a half hour later.  I knew that his cry meant he was having bad dreams and would not go back to sleep on his own.  So, I did something we very rarely do (but admittedly have started to do more often)-I put him in bed with me.  He woke up every 10-20 minutes crying, whimpering, and even screaming once-the highest pitched scream I have ever heard come out of him.  It made my heart race for about 10 minutes.  A few times he put his hands up toward the ceiling fan and yelled "no! no! no!"  I think he was delusional.  Maybe he thought the fan was going to fall on him? (I've done that in my sleep...don't judge.)  At 4:30 he decided it would be a good time to end the night terrors and just get up for the day.  I tried so hard to get him to go back to sleep, and then I tried even harder just to get him to lay in bed and watch TV (ha!).  All he wanted to do was hand me my water glass, throw my cell phone at me, put on my glasses, play with his monitor, the list of annoyances goes on...I was doomed.  Until 6:30 anyway, when I decided that I couldn't keep my eyes open another minute.  That's when I took him to wake up his Memere and let her (ok begged her) to take him and let me go back to sleep.  Everytime he has done this, I have had help.  He did it exactly a week ago when I was at Kim's recovering from our loss.  MiMi was there to rescue me (and she even offered!)  And before that, Andrew was here so we could at least take turns sleeping.  Mom goes home at the end of the week and when this happens again, I have no one to help.  So this is single parenthood.  Thumbs down to that.  Is it 2011 yet??

No word from Andrew today.  Booo.

**Positive Note: After a much needed nap (for everyone), we went out to dinner and Julian actually sat still, ate his dinner, and behaved!!  Believe it!

Manic Monday

The title pretty much sums it up, today was b.u.s.y.  But the good news for you is that busy days come with interesting stories and personal accomplishments.  Even better news (or worse, depending on how you see it), is that I get it to share it with you!

Julian had a follow up appointment for a staph infection he had a couple of weeks ago.  I obediently followed Clark Clinic's strict "be there 15 minutes early so we can laugh at you while you wait for 2 hours with your toddler who is getting dangerously close to naptime" rule.  I met some very interesting people within that time.  The first, a mother whose daughter is also named Julian and who had no problem disclosing every symptom her daughter has had in the past 2 weeks resulting in her desperate trip to the doctor.  My initial instincts were to a). feel bad for the mother because she clearly needed someone to talk to and b). feel terrible for little female Julian who has had flourescent snot of all colors of the rainbow coming out of every hole in her face including her ears.  But when said mother told her poor little female Julian to share her Lucky Charms with my Julian, my next instinct was RUN AwAY.....
(Like that effect? It's us running away...get it? Anyway...)

Apparently everyone around me was beginning to feel like we were a family since we had been glued to the same seats for so long, because a well meaning old lady (who literally chased her doctor down the hall and insisted she needed to be seen first due to a recent hospitalization and white puss coming from a sore on her thigh...hey if I had to hear it, so did you) started asking each and everyone of us why we were there.  Voila! A new friend for female Julian's mommy! Perfect.

Finally, I watched a four year old come out from vaccinations with her Dad and a beloved sticker.  She sat down next to her mom who was waiting, began to throw an all out tantrum (which I try not to judge because it is almost guaranteed to happen to every one of us who have children at some point) only to be soothed by...a BOTTLE of chocolate milk! A four year old with a bottle! Time for a sippy cup my friends, she's about to go to Kindergarten!  So now I judge...I've become a judging parent.

There were many other busy parts to my day including an FRG meeting.  All other events were pretty uneventful and the meeting was bittersweet.  I didn't ask any of the Delta wives to attend and I definitely made the right decision because the meeting was 100% about the redeployment (which is the army's stupid term for 'homecoming') of two other batteries in our batallion who are returning home soon.  I am so happy for my friends whose husbands are coming home, it is such a wonderful, happy, and relieving time.  But at the same time, I am still a full year (ok, 51 weeks) away from that time in my life and it gets a little depressing to think about.

To end on a positive note though, I remembered to put the trash at the top of the driveway to be picked up this morning! Bonus: I even dragged the heaviest bag of yardwork ever to the top of the driveway to also be picked up.  There is still another bag of yardwork to be heaved up there but I know my crap trash service with their continuously rising prices will only pick up one bag a week.  My gripe about how I live "outside of city limits" and therefore don't get to take part in the city's recycling program will need to be saved for another day.

Andre Update: No word today. Not even a stinking email. 

Date Night & Deployment Goals

It's been a week.  A long, drawn out, boring week.  I felt like the walls were closing in on me today and I had a bad case of the grumps.  I called on Kim for a date to dinner and Britt and Caryn joined us also.  How refreshing.  I feel better already! 

Now that I am renewed, I have made a mental list of deployment goals--which will no longer be a mental list but a real, live, blog list because I am about to reveal. Drum roll please...

1. Eat at least 4 bowls of Breyer's Cookie Dough Ice Cream each week.
            --This accomplishes 2 things: (1) fattening me up and (2) teaching me to scoop my own ice cream.  Andrew usually does it because I always get sticky ice cream on my knuckles.  He will be so proud when he comes home!

2. Take my many friends up on their many offers to watch Julian. 
           --I would like to go out in the evening at least once a month.  I know this sound like a small feat, but it is a huge step for me.  Maybe we will up it to twice a month later on, but let's face it, I love that baby.

3. Enroll Julian in Parent's Morning Out at church on Friday's and actually bring him.
          --I will use this time to clean and organize my house, grocery shop, or just be selfish and take a nap.  Although, I don't think it's being selfish if it helps to reenergize me and refresh me.  Also, Julian will get to be a part of a regular playgroup that has a small christian curriculum and snacks!

4. Treat myself to a GPS and a new Coach bag that can double as a diaper bag.
          --The goal here is not necessarily to treat myself, but to treat myself and not feel guilty about it!

This is all I have so far, but I am sure more will come.  For now, signing off until anymore brilliant ideas enter my brilliant mind!  Goodnight!

PS. Andrew update: He made it out of BAFF finally! Things are looking up!

Country Store & Advent Angels

Kim and MiMi dragged me out to the 'Country Store' today (seriously, I went kicking and screaming...).  I can't even tell you what town we were in, but I can tell you that it is the most deceiving little store.  From the outside, it looks like satan has left his mark like a dog would leave its mark on a tree.  On the inside, it has been touched by grace and is heaven on earth.  After leaving and spending money I swore I wouldn't spend, the outside was suddenly looking up-and I mean that in a literal sense; it no longer looked as though the roof was about to hit the ground at any second.

Julian refused to nap this afternoon which really isn't much of a surprise anymore.  So when mom and I took him to evening mass tonight, he slept through more than half of it.  Throughout advent, we were assigned a family to pray for each day.  After mass tonight we had dinner in the social hall and a chance to meet our 'advent angel' that we prayed for.  This is the second year in a row that we have done this, and also the second year in a row that my advent angel wasn't there.  We still had a great time as Julian was fully refreshed after his nap (and after two full plates of spaghetti, a breadstick, and God only knows how many brownies my mom snuck him).  He danced to the children's choir while they sang songs like 'O Come All Ye Faithful' (not very upbeat, but good enough for J!), 'Go Tell It On The Mountain', and his favorite, 'Joy To The World'.  I officially saw the first signs of my baby boy becoming a Ladies Man tonight as he danced, waved, hugged, and batted his eyes at every single woman he could get to pay attention to him in the social hall.  Daddy would be so proud!

Movie Night

Tonight was our first official movie night of the deployment.  The word 'official' is used quite loosely here as we did very little movie watching (ok, we never even actually put a movie in) and instead drank wine, some mixed coffee drinks courtesy of my Mom, and ate the always delicious 'moakey-wamos' made by bff Kim, made famous by Kim's mother in law MiMi.  I am not sure if I can give away the secret to these moakey-wamos so you will just have to use your imagination. All I can say is that they are just decadent.  Britt also came over, and we all had a wonderful time sitting around the table talking, enjoying our treats, and watching on as Memere (my mom), and MiMi attempted to play Mario Kart with some serious language fouls.

Andrew also called tonight and sounded well again, except for a few snotty sniffles.  I hope he isn't getting another cold, he just got over two in a row before he left.  He should finally be done traveling in the next couple of days and start to get settled at his FOB (Forward Operating Base).  I also learned that he will have a government cell phone that he can buy minutes for and use to call home, and even better, I can call him!  I am sure I won't be calling often, but it is relieving just to know that the option is there in the event of an emergency.

Finally, I informed my mom today that I do not want to go home with her for a little while.  I know she really wanted me to and she has not held back in expressing her dissapointment.  The guilt is a little tough to take in and I still have a lot of healing to do.  So my plan is to not argue with her and try to ignore the guilt while I continue to deal with my grief and frustration over this recent loss.  I feel very comfortable in my own environment and would like to stay close to it.  I do feel like I will need to get away in a few weeks and I have been planning on going to my Aunt Karen's house since before the deployment.  Her house is comfortable and relaxing and only 4 hours away.  It is much less stress than driving for 2 days, running around like crazy to see everyone, and then driving 2 days home.  My plans to have a baby this year may have dramatically changed, but I would still like to keep my travel plans and the rest of my life as planned.  I will visit in Maine in march, via air travel, and then for about 5 weeks in May-June for birthdays and weddings-just as planned! 

I may have lost a lot this week, but I will not give up my strength and independence.  I know what is right for me, and I will do what is right for me.

"Hi Daddy!"

Andrew made several videos for Julian before leaving for Afghanistan.  He read over 20 stories (some of which Julian also stars in; assisting in the reading and page turning), and one of the videos is just him and Julian playing and goofing around.  We have watched a couple of videos each day and Julian absolutely loves it!  If he is in a bad mood, he is instantly refreshed.  If he is tired and ready for bed, he is instantly calmed down.  The best part about the videos is that Julian sits (Yes! He sits!) on the floor or the couch and waves at the TV with big smiles and even bigger giggles.  He also holds his 'Daddy Doll' and kisses it everytime I say "give Daddy a kiss."  My mom has also been teaching him to blow kisses...but that's still a work in progress!

On a completely different note, I talked to Andrew this morning.  He sounded much better than he has in the past couple of days.  To know that he is healing will allow me to heal much faster.  I just can't wait until he is finally settled at his FOB (Forward Operating Base) and has his internet hooked up.  It is very strange not knowing where he is, when he is traveling, and having absolutely no idea when or if I will get to talk to him.  At least when he is settled in I will have an idea of what he is doing for work and his phone calls, emails, and skype "usage" will be a little more predictable. But mostly I can't wait for the next 360 days to be over.  My countdown is on days and weeks, while Kim's is on paydays.

360 Days, 51 1/2 Weeks, 23 Paydays

365 Days of Blogging

Technically it will only be 362 days of blogging since we are already a few days into this deployment. And technically I can't take the credit for this idea. My best friend (read bff) Kim, whose husband also just deployed, decided to blog for the next year and I agree that it is a wonderful way to let it all out, keep busy, and keep others updated.  I tried to start a blog (and stopped (ahem, failed) just over a year ago.  All previous blogs were written under the blog title "Confessions of a Desperate Housewife", which explains a lot of my ranting.  Life is forever changing, and here we are.  One year later and facing a year long deployment.
And with that, I begin...

I wish I could say this deployment is off to a good start, but we have already experienced tragedy. It seems that everytime a loved one leaves us for a period of time, something immediately goes wrong. After losing our baby at 8 weeks pregnant the day after sending my husband off to war, it seems that the flat tires and broken garbage disposals are entirely insignifcant. I learn just how much strength is in me with each passing day and I am forever grateful to God for guiding me through this very difficult time in our lives. I am also thankful for the many friends and family that have given me their support and prayers. My mom flew in yesterday and has been here helping with Julian, the five loads of laundry I managed to hoard in our closets, and making delicious dinners.
The healing and grieving process is underway. I still have moments of great sadness and beginning today, moments of great anger, but with all of this support and by the grace of God, I will be back to my witty self in no time and these blogs should be much, much more uplifting. Until then, I leave with these loving words to our angel...
Sweet Child,

God loved you so much, he wanted to keep you to himself. Watch over Daddy and keep him safe. You are his new guardian Angel. Until we meet in heaven dear one, I will always hold a special place in my heart for you.